New Year Old Feelings

Well, 2010 is not going to make it easier.  Though, I'm determined to put everything out on the table.

It seems that my dad's eldest sister is really having a difficult time with how the situation is playing out.  While she says she's willing to follow my lead, I feel very pressured to rush the process.

During the holidays, I was really able to explain where I was coming from, why I felt that I couldn't just go and tell everyone at every family gathering.  From the very beginning, while I'm an advocate of transparency, I'm also an advocate of the idea that my cousins and I would ultimately decide how future incidents would be handled.

But, it seems that my aunt was having a lot of difficulty separating her baggage with my situation.  At one point, we had a long conversation, mostly consisting of her bringing up her past situations and really shedding light into why she felt so angry that my parents and I hadn't acted much quicker.

She brought up that there would not be any way to know whether or not the uncle has touched anyone else or whether he will again - but that he should be monitored.  She talked about ethics and morals, and how she could not live with it if it was found that another person was harmed as we sat here doing nothing.

She talked about 2 options - taking it to court or reporting it to the Department of Children and Family Services.  I told her that I felt extremely uncomfortable with the court process, especially since I don't want anything from him.  I told her that while I felt an ethical obligation to my family and other children, I would rather be the first person my family hears from, rather than people hearing from some government agency or complete stranger.

But I told her that I would ask my therapist about it, as I felt that I couldn't make a decision at that moment.

For some reason, my aunt sounded disappointed by my decision, though I'm sure she had to realize that it was ultimately my choice to do anything about it.

Overall, that was a very exhausting conversation.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  Physically, my eyeballs were too tired.

I felt out of it for a whole week.