December 2007

This was the month and year I confronted the uncle, with my parents and some of my mom's siblings present.  Below you will find my notes and the letter I read out loud to the family.

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Date: December 29th, 2007
Time: 12:30pm
Location: My mom's older sister's apartment
Key Players: My parents, Me, My aunt, the uncle
Witnesses: My mom's sister, my mom's brother and his wife

Why now?:
At this point in my life, I feel ready to take this step.
Getting text messages from the both of you is exactly what I don't want in the new year. I don't want to hear about my mom and dad getting messages, I don't want to get messages, and I don't want to be told that I have to forgive anybody. I've felt forced into this, and but I'm also tired of this.

My Stand:
I'm sure you think that this meeting is a chance to help conscience, but I can tell you right away that I don't plan on forgiving you. I personally don't think I could ever forgive you. What happened should never happen to anyone.
Also, as a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. And I think the family has a right to know. So, after this is all said and done, we're planning to tell the rest of the family. With new babies coming into this family, they all have the right to know about what happened. Just like when people are told that a sex offender moves into their neighborhood. Since you're not a registered sex offender, the best I can do is alert the people you are closest to.
You broke everyone's trust by pretending to be a nice person, but you did a terrible thing.
I feel like my aunt/your wife has the right to know what we are planning to do. I also wanted to tell her that I still consider her part of my family, and that I still very much care about your 3 sons. I don't know how they will feel when they find out, but I'm expecting that they'll be mad at me. That's ok. When they're ready to talk to me, I'll be waiting.

If Nanay and Tatay have something to say, they can.
(Tatay plans to tell him that he's no one in our lives..that he's never allowed in our house again, and that he doesn't want to be invited to any party that they're at. I know that he's having a hard time separating my uncle with the rest of his family...which I'm having trouble with...only because I don't think that's ok....but that's the process he's going thru, I know.....I know.......)

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This was a very difficult event.  Though I was prepping for this in therapy, it was hard for me to imagine what would really happen. 

There were a lot of tears.  A lot of apologies.

He explained how horrible he felt, how he knows he can't take anything back, how he hopes that I will eventually forgive him.


My aunt/his wife apologized profusely.  She even said that she would be responsible for telling her sons. 

My other aunts and uncle stated that they felt horribly betrayed.  But that they would stick with my aunt's decision to stay with him.  That he is family because he's married to their sister and father to their nephews.  But that trust would be a different issue.

My mom tearfully noted how much she trusted him, and how responsible she felt.  And as I suspected, my dad was able to say exactly how he felt.

I explained that I wasn't angry, but I can't just ignore that this had happened and neither should he.  I don't feel the need to forgive him, because what he did was unforgivable.  

It was such a purging exercise.  It felt so good to know that things were finally out in the open.  At least...among the people present.

But that was just another part...not nearly the end.