"Silent All These Years"

excuse me but
can i be you for a while
my DOG won't bite
if you sit real still
i got the anti-christ
in the kitchen
yellin' at me again
yeah i can hear that

been saved again
by the garbage truck
i got something to say
you know but NOTHING comes
yes i know what you think of me
you never shut up
yeah i can hear that

but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been
HERE silent all these years

so you found a girl
who thinks really deep thoughts
what's so amazing
about really deep thoughts
boy you best pray
that i bleed real soon
how's that thought for you

my scream got lost in a paper cup
you think there's a heaven
where some screams have gone
i got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there

but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice and it's been
HERE silent all these

years go by will i still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
years go by if i'm stripped of my beauty
and the orange clouds raining in my head
years go by will i choke on my tears
till finally there is nothing left
one more casualty
you know we're to EASY easy easy

well i love the way we communicate
your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
let's hear what you think of me now
but baby don't look up
the sky is falling

your MOTHER shows up in a nasty dress
it's your turn now to stand where i stand
everybody lookin' at you
here take hold of my hand
yeah i can hear them

but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
i hear my voice
i hear my voice
and it's been HERE silent all these years
i've been here silent all these years
silent all these
silent all these years

© Sword & Stone

Bank of America Pavilion, Boston
August 17, 2009

90th birhdays and family reunions

This past weekend, I went home.

My maternal grandmother, my Lola, celebrated her 90th birthday. She celebrated with family. My family. 5 of her 12 children were present.

Including my mom's youngest sister. She brought her 3 sons. But the uncle was not present.

At first, I thought that perhaps he would be there, and we would all act normal and peachy keen. But after learning that he wasn't coming to the party, not only did I feel relieved but I wondered what excuse they used this time.

I was already starting to tell my story to some of my cousins, and I was explicitly told not to say anything until after the party.

But there was a point...when I was driving one set of aunt/uncle/cousin/niece back to our house...my cousin said, "Oh! Where's ________?" Everyone said, "Oh..ya..where is he?" I kept driving...and I thought, "I could really just tell them exactly why he isn't here." But, I didn't want to say anything to my mom's sister or my teenage niece.

So, I said nothing.

silent again.

silent all these years.

opening up and taking the power

After the experience in Chicago, I knew I needed to talk about my experience with someone. Those PSA's taught me something, after all.

But telling my family was out of the question at the moment. The uncle had a family, 2 kids, and was married to my mother's sister. I didn't want my aunt to be unhappy, and I didn't want my cousins to suffer.

I decided to open up to my best friends first. They were shocked to hear about my experience, but they really provided me with a lot of support. It felt great to be open to someone about what happened. I felt safe, though I didn't fear that he would try anythign again.

At one point, he and I were alone once again. He said to me, "Hey, thanks for not saying anything about what happened." I said, "I'm not saying anything not because of you...but because of my family."

Interestingly, I learned that I could use the situation to my advantage. I now had something I could hold over his head. He still thought it was a good idea to tell me random things, and weirdly I felt that I could tell him about a couple things I was doing.

My parents did not like that I had a boyfriend at 13. He lived close enough that I was able to sneak away without my parents necessarily knowing. This was something I told the uncle.

One day, my parents were questioning me about this, and they knew I spoke to that uncle. He insinuated that he might tell them something, but I quickly said, "Go ahead...I know something, too." That shut him right up. When my parents asked me what it was, I innocently said something about other family gossip. I saw the uncle breathe a sign of relief, and my parents remained frustrated about me having a boyfriend.

I felt amazing. I felt this surge of power. I had the upper hand. I knew it, and so did he.

But this wasn't enough for me to justify bringing pain to my aunt and my cousins' lives.

This also wasn't enough for the uncle to act like a complete idiot. When I was in high school, the uncle would tell me about times when he would visit my mom at work to bring her lunch. It was unbelievable! What he was thinking, I'll never know. My mom and my dad talk about everything. Wouldn't my dad know this was happening? But nothing was said to me about it.

My memory is fuzzy on this one. I'm not sure if I ended up telling my dad about the uncle's "crush" on my mom, or if my dad just figured it out because of all the stupid moves the uncle was pulling.

Perhaps the truth is that I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. I knew that telling the family would open up a whole can of worms. I don't think I was ready at that point in my life to have people angry at me for that. It was enough for me to know that I carried it in my back pocket.

the story

this is the truth, and nothing but the truth as I remember it...

It was probably 1989 or 1990, and I was probably 7, 8 or 9 years old. My family lived in a little bungalow behind my dad's parents and siblings.

My mom's youngest sister brought her baby and her baby daddy/the uncle from the Philippines to Los Angeles. My maternal grandmother was living with us, and my aunt wanted to be closer to her. My parents helped them move into the apartment right next door to us, with a balcony that overlooked the yard between the two houses.

One day, I was playing with one of my childhood friends. The uncle was watching over us. I don't really remember where my parents went, but they weren't home.

At some point, my friend and I went inside. At some point, the uncle asked me to lay down with him on the sofa bed. I thought nothing of it. My uncle was generally a funny guy and treated us all very well. I thought perhaps we were just hanging out. All I remember of my friend was that he was playing with some toys at our dining table.

The rest of the details are pretty blurry. I remember going under the blanket with the uncle. I remember him kissing me, on my face and neck. I remember him getting on top of me. I didn't really understand it, though I thought it was just something that adults would do with people they love. I don't remember if he exposed any skin that wasn't already exposed, but I know I wasn't naked.

At some point, I remember a sudden shuffling around and the uncle getting up. My parents car was pulling into the driveway. I went to the dining table to continue playing with my friend. I think that was my first inclination that what he did was wrong.

It was over just like that.

At some point, on some other day, my uncle pulled me aside and told me not to say anything about what happened between us, that it was just our thing.

I don't really know what my reasoning was to stay quiet. I didn't feel hurt or in pain. I thought it was somewhat harmless since he was family.

For years I stayed silent. As the years past, I I started believing that perhaps it was all a dream.

When I was 13, I started dating my first boyfriend. My family and I were attending my eldest cousin's wedding in Chicago. At some point, we were doing some shopping. The uncle and I stayed in the shoe section while my mom and some of her siblings went off to shop. Somehow, the uncle decided that this was an appropriate time to start opening up to me about all kinds of things.

He mentioned that it was weird that my cousin was getting married, since he tried to date her when she was still in the Philippines (the uncle is about 10 years younger than my aunt/my mom's youngest sister). He also told me that if he had it his way, he would have dated my mom instead of my aunt. He had a huge "crush" on my mom. I thought this was a major revelation. Why he thought it was appropriate to open up to a 13 year old - I'm not sure...but clearly, his judgment has been off for a while.

The night after the wedding, a couple of my relatives and I were chilling in the living room. My family and I were flying back to LA the next morning, but we were all still having a good time together. At some point, we knew that we needed to get to sleep. It was getting late. I decided to stay in the living room on the sofa bed. The uncle decided to stay there as well.

As the lights went down, he started chatting with me some more. He was drunk. He started asking about my boyfriend, if we had kissed already. I told him we had. He asked if he was a good kisser. I told him that I wouldn't know since he was my first boyfriend and the only guy I kissed. The uncle said, "You let me kiss you. Is he better than me?" Suddenly, my hands curled into little fists. I was exhausted, but I was suddenly wide awake. I could feel this heat overcoming me. I realized that there was someone else sleeping on another couch - they were snoring, so I knew they couldn't hear what was happening a few feet away. I growled, "If you dare touch me, I swear to god I will scream so loud the whole neighborhood will hear me." He backed off, "Okay, okay...I was just kidding." I was so scared to sleep. I didn't want him to take advantage of the situation. I think I tried to stay up as long as I could. It was probably the lightest sleep I had had at that point in my life. I remember waking up and feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.

It was then...a confirmation that what happened to me wasn't a dream. Though I thought about it occasionally, I passed it off as some random unreal thing. But after this, I knew. I knew that the uncle had molested me.

Public Service Announcement

Remember those Public Service Announcements in the 80's and 90's? Some are hilarious to look back on now, but some left an impression on this little girl.

One in particular is quite memorable. A little girl is coming home from school, and her neighbor calls to her and invites her into his home. He sits her up on his kitchen counter, and proceeds to start unbuttoning her shirt. Freeze frame. What should she do?

Play. She pushes his hands away, and says, "NO! (or something to that effect)" She hops off the kitchen counter and runs off. The moral of the story: Don't go into your neighbors house by yourself because he could be a sex offender.

Often, people assume that a stranger will be the one to sexually attack someone. More often than not, however, it's someone the survivor and their family knows. Sometimes, it's someone so close that you can't easily get rid of them without setting a whole process into motion.

When I was younger and starting to look for jobs, my parents were very much against me trying to babysit strangers' children. You never know what kind of person they could be, my parents warned. At first it angered me. How else are you supposed to get any sort of experience if you don't go outside the protected family space? But I know that they just wanted to be careful. I know they just wanted to make sure I was safe. I don't blame them, nor am I angry at them. We all make assumptions, and when it's something or someone unknown we make the most assumptions.

Unfortunately, in my case, the wrong assumptions were made. No one is to blame except for the perpetrator, though - especially when they've managed to gain everyone's trust.

So, my PSA would go something like this:
Don't stop trusting, don't live in fear...but educate yourselves on the facts. More often than not, a sexual assault happens between people who know each other. That's the fact. Don't fear. Protect yourself with knowledge.

a very long journey

I struggled with whether or not to do this.

I'm not trying to be selfish.
I'm not trying to be a martyr.
I'm not trying to be a hero.

I just want to be honest.
I want to acknowledge what happened.
I want to move on, not by forgetting but by talking about it.

As I and my friends and family members are growing up, having relationships and families of our own, I feel like it's up to us to be able to carry this knowledge to keep each other safe. And even if we can't always prevent bad things from happening, I don't want there to be another person who will feel like they have to be silent just to protect themselves and others they love.

It's been a long journey. A very long journey.

It's in no way over.

I'm just barely breaking the surface.