opening up and taking the power

After the experience in Chicago, I knew I needed to talk about my experience with someone. Those PSA's taught me something, after all.

But telling my family was out of the question at the moment. The uncle had a family, 2 kids, and was married to my mother's sister. I didn't want my aunt to be unhappy, and I didn't want my cousins to suffer.

I decided to open up to my best friends first. They were shocked to hear about my experience, but they really provided me with a lot of support. It felt great to be open to someone about what happened. I felt safe, though I didn't fear that he would try anythign again.

At one point, he and I were alone once again. He said to me, "Hey, thanks for not saying anything about what happened." I said, "I'm not saying anything not because of you...but because of my family."

Interestingly, I learned that I could use the situation to my advantage. I now had something I could hold over his head. He still thought it was a good idea to tell me random things, and weirdly I felt that I could tell him about a couple things I was doing.

My parents did not like that I had a boyfriend at 13. He lived close enough that I was able to sneak away without my parents necessarily knowing. This was something I told the uncle.

One day, my parents were questioning me about this, and they knew I spoke to that uncle. He insinuated that he might tell them something, but I quickly said, "Go ahead...I know something, too." That shut him right up. When my parents asked me what it was, I innocently said something about other family gossip. I saw the uncle breathe a sign of relief, and my parents remained frustrated about me having a boyfriend.

I felt amazing. I felt this surge of power. I had the upper hand. I knew it, and so did he.

But this wasn't enough for me to justify bringing pain to my aunt and my cousins' lives.

This also wasn't enough for the uncle to act like a complete idiot. When I was in high school, the uncle would tell me about times when he would visit my mom at work to bring her lunch. It was unbelievable! What he was thinking, I'll never know. My mom and my dad talk about everything. Wouldn't my dad know this was happening? But nothing was said to me about it.

My memory is fuzzy on this one. I'm not sure if I ended up telling my dad about the uncle's "crush" on my mom, or if my dad just figured it out because of all the stupid moves the uncle was pulling.

Perhaps the truth is that I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. I knew that telling the family would open up a whole can of worms. I don't think I was ready at that point in my life to have people angry at me for that. It was enough for me to know that I carried it in my back pocket.