Holidays are always difficult.
In the past couple of years, it's been difficult to not have a complete holiday like we used to. Now it's about making up stories and excuses for why the uncle isn't coming.
The worst part is that my cousins/his sons don't know what's changed so much. They see that their dad wants to spend more time with his side more. But they don't understand why the change is happening.
The youngest of the brothers once asked, "Why don't we have big parties at your house anymore? Are we going to do it again soon?"
How do we explain that to this 11 year old?
When will the holidays cheery again?
When we have relatives visit, they ask us, "Where is that family? Why aren't they here now?"
While I do believe that the truth will really free us, when will I feel free?
Friday, December 25, 2009
It's up to us...
At some point, I realized that while I do feel that my mom and dad's siblings should know, that it was more important for my cousins to know.
Right before December 2007, I learned that some of my cousins did know, only because the uncle had tried to suggest a relationship with one of them.
It felt great to have others that I could depend on, as I knew it would be difficult to put that burden solely on my immediate family.
One of my cousins moved to LA from Chicago, and he ended up married to one of the uncles younger sisters. They soon had a son. I knew I had to talk to my cousin.
In the Summer of 2009, I started the gears going. My cousins that already knew helped get some of the pieces into play.
One night, I called my cousin. The conversation was very fulfilling. Though I was initially scared that he would start getting angry and act out, he was relatively calm and mainly in disbelief. But we also talked about his son, his life.
Two days later, my cousin told me that he called the uncle the next day and told him that I spoke with him. He also told him that he should be responsible for telling his sister, my cousin's wife. So, the uncle and my aunt came over that night and talked to them.
That same day, I also told my cousin's sister, the eldest of my cousins. Back in 1993, when we went to Chicago, she was the cousin who was getting married. Her reaction was the reaction I expected from her brother. It felt great to talk to her and open up about it. It felt great to know that more of us were aware.
*********************
I tried to make it perfectly clear that I wasn't telling people to make them angry, but that that was an unfortunately reaction to the truth. With my cousins and I getting older, starting families and having kids, I feel like we need to be responsible about the truth. We are a large family, and the unfortunately reality is that there is a high probability of it happening again.
What matters isn't what happened.
What matters is how are we as a family going to deal with it when it happens again.
Right before December 2007, I learned that some of my cousins did know, only because the uncle had tried to suggest a relationship with one of them.
It felt great to have others that I could depend on, as I knew it would be difficult to put that burden solely on my immediate family.
One of my cousins moved to LA from Chicago, and he ended up married to one of the uncles younger sisters. They soon had a son. I knew I had to talk to my cousin.
In the Summer of 2009, I started the gears going. My cousins that already knew helped get some of the pieces into play.
One night, I called my cousin. The conversation was very fulfilling. Though I was initially scared that he would start getting angry and act out, he was relatively calm and mainly in disbelief. But we also talked about his son, his life.
Two days later, my cousin told me that he called the uncle the next day and told him that I spoke with him. He also told him that he should be responsible for telling his sister, my cousin's wife. So, the uncle and my aunt came over that night and talked to them.
That same day, I also told my cousin's sister, the eldest of my cousins. Back in 1993, when we went to Chicago, she was the cousin who was getting married. Her reaction was the reaction I expected from her brother. It felt great to talk to her and open up about it. It felt great to know that more of us were aware.
*********************
I tried to make it perfectly clear that I wasn't telling people to make them angry, but that that was an unfortunately reaction to the truth. With my cousins and I getting older, starting families and having kids, I feel like we need to be responsible about the truth. We are a large family, and the unfortunately reality is that there is a high probability of it happening again.
What matters isn't what happened.
What matters is how are we as a family going to deal with it when it happens again.
My Dad's Side
At the beginning of 2009, my dad explained the situation to his relatives.
Though his brother already knew about it (because he is married to my mom's youngest brother's sister-in-law), he proceeded to tell all his sisters.
I soon was having conversations with my dad's eldest sister on the phone. A lot of the time, it felt that she was just trying to understand what happened. She even asked me if I wanted to try to press charges - not something that I was necessarily thinking of at all.
But, I appreciated what she and my other aunt's were going through.
It felt great to finally have that whole side of my family know. Only time will tell how they will be able to deal with it, but so far it all feels better.
Though his brother already knew about it (because he is married to my mom's youngest brother's sister-in-law), he proceeded to tell all his sisters.
I soon was having conversations with my dad's eldest sister on the phone. A lot of the time, it felt that she was just trying to understand what happened. She even asked me if I wanted to try to press charges - not something that I was necessarily thinking of at all.
But, I appreciated what she and my other aunt's were going through.
It felt great to finally have that whole side of my family know. Only time will tell how they will be able to deal with it, but so far it all feels better.
My Tita
I love my Tita.
As she is my mom's youngest sister and sibling, of course I love her.
This woman helped take care of me when I was a baby, a young child. I still have many fond memories of her.
I knew her and my mom would get into arguments once in a while as sisters do. It often felt that she was sometimes jealous of my mother, or maybe just that she wanted to be better than her. And after I learned about how the uncle really felt about their union, I just felt really sad for her.
After December 2007, I started receiving texts from her. Most of them were about forgiveness, and all of them were based in religious dogma.
It hurt to know that she felt that I needed to forgive her husband, and that she would try to force that stuff on me. I realized that perhaps she needed me to forgive him so that she could forgive him, so that she could "move on" and continue living her happy life.
If I remember correctly, I told her to please stop sending me those messages, and the messages stopped.
At some point, after almost two years of not hearing any reactions from my cousins, I realized that she was not planning to tell her sons anything. She did not want them to hate their dad.
When I started opening up to my cousins, I got wind that she was angry at my efforts. Why couldn't I just let it be? Was I purposefully trying to make her sons resent their father?
She locked me out of her Facebook. When I did see her, it was very awkward and brief - even at big family gatherings.
Still, I'm hurt by her disapproval.
Still, I feel sad and sorry about her reactions.
Still, I love my Tita.
As she is my mom's youngest sister and sibling, of course I love her.
This woman helped take care of me when I was a baby, a young child. I still have many fond memories of her.
I knew her and my mom would get into arguments once in a while as sisters do. It often felt that she was sometimes jealous of my mother, or maybe just that she wanted to be better than her. And after I learned about how the uncle really felt about their union, I just felt really sad for her.
After December 2007, I started receiving texts from her. Most of them were about forgiveness, and all of them were based in religious dogma.
It hurt to know that she felt that I needed to forgive her husband, and that she would try to force that stuff on me. I realized that perhaps she needed me to forgive him so that she could forgive him, so that she could "move on" and continue living her happy life.
If I remember correctly, I told her to please stop sending me those messages, and the messages stopped.
At some point, after almost two years of not hearing any reactions from my cousins, I realized that she was not planning to tell her sons anything. She did not want them to hate their dad.
When I started opening up to my cousins, I got wind that she was angry at my efforts. Why couldn't I just let it be? Was I purposefully trying to make her sons resent their father?
She locked me out of her Facebook. When I did see her, it was very awkward and brief - even at big family gatherings.
Still, I'm hurt by her disapproval.
Still, I feel sad and sorry about her reactions.
Still, I love my Tita.
December 2007
This was the month and year I confronted the uncle, with my parents and some of my mom's siblings present. Below you will find my notes and the letter I read out loud to the family.
********************************
Date: December 29th, 2007
Time: 12:30pm
Location: My mom's older sister's apartment
Key Players: My parents, Me, My aunt, the uncle
Witnesses: My mom's sister, my mom's brother and his wife
Why now?:
At this point in my life, I feel ready to take this step.
Getting text messages from the both of you is exactly what I don't want in the new year. I don't want to hear about my mom and dad getting messages, I don't want to get messages, and I don't want to be told that I have to forgive anybody. I've felt forced into this, and but I'm also tired of this.
My Stand:
I'm sure you think that this meeting is a chance to help conscience, but I can tell you right away that I don't plan on forgiving you. I personally don't think I could ever forgive you. What happened should never happen to anyone.
Also, as a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. And I think the family has a right to know. So, after this is all said and done, we're planning to tell the rest of the family. With new babies coming into this family, they all have the right to know about what happened. Just like when people are told that a sex offender moves into their neighborhood. Since you're not a registered sex offender, the best I can do is alert the people you are closest to.
You broke everyone's trust by pretending to be a nice person, but you did a terrible thing.
I feel like my aunt/your wife has the right to know what we are planning to do. I also wanted to tell her that I still consider her part of my family, and that I still very much care about your 3 sons. I don't know how they will feel when they find out, but I'm expecting that they'll be mad at me. That's ok. When they're ready to talk to me, I'll be waiting.
If Nanay and Tatay have something to say, they can.
(Tatay plans to tell him that he's no one in our lives..that he's never allowed in our house again, and that he doesn't want to be invited to any party that they're at. I know that he's having a hard time separating my uncle with the rest of his family...which I'm having trouble with...only because I don't think that's ok....but that's the process he's going thru, I know.....I know.......)
*******************************
This was a very difficult event. Though I was prepping for this in therapy, it was hard for me to imagine what would really happen.
There were a lot of tears. A lot of apologies.
He explained how horrible he felt, how he knows he can't take anything back, how he hopes that I will eventually forgive him.
My aunt/his wife apologized profusely. She even said that she would be responsible for telling her sons.
My other aunts and uncle stated that they felt horribly betrayed. But that they would stick with my aunt's decision to stay with him. That he is family because he's married to their sister and father to their nephews. But that trust would be a different issue.
My mom tearfully noted how much she trusted him, and how responsible she felt. And as I suspected, my dad was able to say exactly how he felt.
I explained that I wasn't angry, but I can't just ignore that this had happened and neither should he. I don't feel the need to forgive him, because what he did was unforgivable.
It was such a purging exercise. It felt so good to know that things were finally out in the open. At least...among the people present.
But that was just another part...not nearly the end.
********************************
Date: December 29th, 2007
Time: 12:30pm
Location: My mom's older sister's apartment
Key Players: My parents, Me, My aunt, the uncle
Witnesses: My mom's sister, my mom's brother and his wife
Why now?:
At this point in my life, I feel ready to take this step.
Getting text messages from the both of you is exactly what I don't want in the new year. I don't want to hear about my mom and dad getting messages, I don't want to get messages, and I don't want to be told that I have to forgive anybody. I've felt forced into this, and but I'm also tired of this.
My Stand:
I'm sure you think that this meeting is a chance to help conscience, but I can tell you right away that I don't plan on forgiving you. I personally don't think I could ever forgive you. What happened should never happen to anyone.
Also, as a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. And I think the family has a right to know. So, after this is all said and done, we're planning to tell the rest of the family. With new babies coming into this family, they all have the right to know about what happened. Just like when people are told that a sex offender moves into their neighborhood. Since you're not a registered sex offender, the best I can do is alert the people you are closest to.
You broke everyone's trust by pretending to be a nice person, but you did a terrible thing.
I feel like my aunt/your wife has the right to know what we are planning to do. I also wanted to tell her that I still consider her part of my family, and that I still very much care about your 3 sons. I don't know how they will feel when they find out, but I'm expecting that they'll be mad at me. That's ok. When they're ready to talk to me, I'll be waiting.
If Nanay and Tatay have something to say, they can.
(Tatay plans to tell him that he's no one in our lives..that he's never allowed in our house again, and that he doesn't want to be invited to any party that they're at. I know that he's having a hard time separating my uncle with the rest of his family...which I'm having trouble with...only because I don't think that's ok....but that's the process he's going thru, I know.....I know.......)
*******************************
This was a very difficult event. Though I was prepping for this in therapy, it was hard for me to imagine what would really happen.
There were a lot of tears. A lot of apologies.
He explained how horrible he felt, how he knows he can't take anything back, how he hopes that I will eventually forgive him.
My aunt/his wife apologized profusely. She even said that she would be responsible for telling her sons.
My other aunts and uncle stated that they felt horribly betrayed. But that they would stick with my aunt's decision to stay with him. That he is family because he's married to their sister and father to their nephews. But that trust would be a different issue.
My mom tearfully noted how much she trusted him, and how responsible she felt. And as I suspected, my dad was able to say exactly how he felt.
I explained that I wasn't angry, but I can't just ignore that this had happened and neither should he. I don't feel the need to forgive him, because what he did was unforgivable.
It was such a purging exercise. It felt so good to know that things were finally out in the open. At least...among the people present.
But that was just another part...not nearly the end.
"they know...."
After my parents opened up to my mom's younger brother, his wife, her sister, and my dad's brother (who's married to the sister - it's complicated, I know! We're a big family, so bear with me...did you get that? okay...), the uncle started noticing that people were treating him differently.
So, this is the version of the story that I've been told.
One day, he went to my mom's brother's in-laws and asked them why they've been acting strange around him. They confessed that they were told about what happened with me. He proceeded to then tell them that he figured that was the case, and told him his side of the story.
He was trying to work things through. He was going to therapy. He was planning to tell his wife, my aunt.
As far as I know, they told him that they had to be really careful around him.
But as is the Catholic way, forgive and forget. To this day, they still interact with him. They still leave kids in his presence. They're still hoping praying wishing that he has fixed himself.
So, this is the version of the story that I've been told.
One day, he went to my mom's brother's in-laws and asked them why they've been acting strange around him. They confessed that they were told about what happened with me. He proceeded to then tell them that he figured that was the case, and told him his side of the story.
He was trying to work things through. He was going to therapy. He was planning to tell his wife, my aunt.
As far as I know, they told him that they had to be really careful around him.
But as is the Catholic way, forgive and forget. To this day, they still interact with him. They still leave kids in his presence. They're still hoping praying wishing that he has fixed himself.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Thank Goodness for My Parents
It was in college. Perhaps sometime during my senior year.
I had participated in Take Back the Night for all the previous years in school, and it really helped me build up the courage to tell my parents. If I was able to speak about my experience to hundreds of strangers, I should be able to talk to my own parents, right? Well...it took me a long time.
I wanted to participate in Take Back the Night one last time with an update about my progress...not for the listeners...but for me...
I thought a lot about the implications. What does this mean to my family? How will my parents react? What will happen to my younger cousins, the sons of the uncle?
I had no idea.
There is no perfect situation. I just had to build up the courage, and just start the sentence.
I told my parents while my dad was driving. They were visiting me in Northern California, and we just dropped off my then-boyfriend back at his dorm. I was going to stay the night with them at a hotel in Oakland or San Francisco...I don't remember where it was exactly.
At first I thought, perhaps I should wait until we're not driving? I don't want my dad to swerve in anger. But, when I finally let it all out, I think they were in a state of shock.
I don't remember much about the conversation. My parents had a lot of questions. At some point at the hotel, my dad expressed how angry he was. They suggested that I speak with a counselor at school. But, more than anything, I think they needed to really think about the whole situation....similar to the things I had to think about.
What does this mean to the family? Have others in our family been affected as well? What will happen to my younger cousins, the sons of the uncle?
But, for me, I was glad to have that burden of carrying it around off my chest. My parents were now able to share in my emotions and support me.
Though...they also needed support of their own.
My dad sought it out among his co-workers - nurses, social workers, etc.
My mom....well...I'm not sure...I know she relies on my dad's support.
It felt great to be open with them.
But this was the just beginning of opening up to the family.
I had participated in Take Back the Night for all the previous years in school, and it really helped me build up the courage to tell my parents. If I was able to speak about my experience to hundreds of strangers, I should be able to talk to my own parents, right? Well...it took me a long time.
I wanted to participate in Take Back the Night one last time with an update about my progress...not for the listeners...but for me...
I thought a lot about the implications. What does this mean to my family? How will my parents react? What will happen to my younger cousins, the sons of the uncle?
I had no idea.
There is no perfect situation. I just had to build up the courage, and just start the sentence.
I told my parents while my dad was driving. They were visiting me in Northern California, and we just dropped off my then-boyfriend back at his dorm. I was going to stay the night with them at a hotel in Oakland or San Francisco...I don't remember where it was exactly.
At first I thought, perhaps I should wait until we're not driving? I don't want my dad to swerve in anger. But, when I finally let it all out, I think they were in a state of shock.
I don't remember much about the conversation. My parents had a lot of questions. At some point at the hotel, my dad expressed how angry he was. They suggested that I speak with a counselor at school. But, more than anything, I think they needed to really think about the whole situation....similar to the things I had to think about.
What does this mean to the family? Have others in our family been affected as well? What will happen to my younger cousins, the sons of the uncle?
But, for me, I was glad to have that burden of carrying it around off my chest. My parents were now able to share in my emotions and support me.
Though...they also needed support of their own.
My dad sought it out among his co-workers - nurses, social workers, etc.
My mom....well...I'm not sure...I know she relies on my dad's support.
It felt great to be open with them.
But this was the just beginning of opening up to the family.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
meeting a mirror of my soul
When I started high school, I had no idea that I was going to meet my soul mate.
We both were on a waiting list to attend the school. I had already started some classes at a different high school, and was pretty miserable. But my parents fought for me to get into that school.
Finally, I had a chance to take a placement test. I remember walking into the building, and being led to my seat. I remember the dividers. I remember being focused, but aware of the others around me.
It wasn't until a bit later that I realized that my future best friend was sitting right next to me.
Apparently, she thought that I seemed really stuck up! Hahahahaha...it's hilarious!
So, not only did she end up sitting next to me that fateful test day. She and I shared a homeroom for all those years. After my family and I moved to our first house, we shared the same school bus for the rest of our time in high school. We both have 1 brother, both with the same first name. We were both foreign-born in the capital cities of our respective countries. Our names are even similar to each other, and our nicknames became synonymous with each other. I wouldn't be surprised if we were somehow related in our past lives.
These are things I didn't learn until after late October of our freshman year. We sat in different circles during lunch time, with friends from our previous schools. One day, she was in crisis. It's a long story, and I'm not planning to share her story here. But the gist was that her and her family were in trouble. I tried to help her as much as I could that day, walking with her to our guidance counselor's office. Unfortunately, her and I shared a similar history.
We've helped to support each other through many trying times...boyfriends, family, health, sanity...
Thirteen years later, her and I are still best friends. I'm in Boston, she's in New York. Though our lives are very different, it's as though nothing has changed when we meet up. I have no doubt that we will be in each others lives til the end...and maybe even beyond.
We both were on a waiting list to attend the school. I had already started some classes at a different high school, and was pretty miserable. But my parents fought for me to get into that school.
Finally, I had a chance to take a placement test. I remember walking into the building, and being led to my seat. I remember the dividers. I remember being focused, but aware of the others around me.
It wasn't until a bit later that I realized that my future best friend was sitting right next to me.
Apparently, she thought that I seemed really stuck up! Hahahahaha...it's hilarious!
So, not only did she end up sitting next to me that fateful test day. She and I shared a homeroom for all those years. After my family and I moved to our first house, we shared the same school bus for the rest of our time in high school. We both have 1 brother, both with the same first name. We were both foreign-born in the capital cities of our respective countries. Our names are even similar to each other, and our nicknames became synonymous with each other. I wouldn't be surprised if we were somehow related in our past lives.
These are things I didn't learn until after late October of our freshman year. We sat in different circles during lunch time, with friends from our previous schools. One day, she was in crisis. It's a long story, and I'm not planning to share her story here. But the gist was that her and her family were in trouble. I tried to help her as much as I could that day, walking with her to our guidance counselor's office. Unfortunately, her and I shared a similar history.
We've helped to support each other through many trying times...boyfriends, family, health, sanity...
Thirteen years later, her and I are still best friends. I'm in Boston, she's in New York. Though our lives are very different, it's as though nothing has changed when we meet up. I have no doubt that we will be in each others lives til the end...and maybe even beyond.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
"Silent All These Years"
excuse me but
can i be you for a while
my DOG won't bite
if you sit real still
i got the anti-christ
in the kitchen
yellin' at me again
yeah i can hear that
been saved again
by the garbage truck
i got something to say
you know but NOTHING comes
yes i know what you think of me
you never shut up
yeah i can hear that
but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
and it's been
HERE silent all these years
so you found a girl
who thinks really deep thoughts
what's so amazing
about really deep thoughts
boy you best pray
that i bleed real soon
how's that thought for you
my scream got lost in a paper cup
you think there's a heaven
where some screams have gone
i got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there
but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his
with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice and it's been
HERE silent all these
years go by will i still be waiting
for somebody else to understand
years go by if i'm stripped of my beauty
and the orange clouds raining in my head
years go by will i choke on my tears
till finally there is nothing left
one more casualty
you know we're to EASY easy easy
well i love the way we communicate
your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
let's hear what you think of me now
but baby don't look up
the sky is falling
your MOTHER shows up in a nasty dress
it's your turn now to stand where i stand
everybody lookin' at you
here take hold of my hand
yeah i can hear them
but what if i'm a mermaid
in these jeans of his with her name still on it
hey but i don't care
cause sometimes i said
sometimes i hear my voice
i hear my voice
i hear my voice
and it's been HERE silent all these years
i've been here silent all these years
silent all these
silent all these years
© Sword & Stone
Bank of America Pavilion, Boston
August 17, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
90th birhdays and family reunions
This past weekend, I went home.
My maternal grandmother, my Lola, celebrated her 90th birthday. She celebrated with family. My family. 5 of her 12 children were present.
Including my mom's youngest sister. She brought her 3 sons. But the uncle was not present.
At first, I thought that perhaps he would be there, and we would all act normal and peachy keen. But after learning that he wasn't coming to the party, not only did I feel relieved but I wondered what excuse they used this time.
I was already starting to tell my story to some of my cousins, and I was explicitly told not to say anything until after the party.
But there was a point...when I was driving one set of aunt/uncle/cousin/niece back to our house...my cousin said, "Oh! Where's ________?" Everyone said, "Oh..ya..where is he?" I kept driving...and I thought, "I could really just tell them exactly why he isn't here." But, I didn't want to say anything to my mom's sister or my teenage niece.
So, I said nothing.
silent again.
silent all these years.
My maternal grandmother, my Lola, celebrated her 90th birthday. She celebrated with family. My family. 5 of her 12 children were present.
Including my mom's youngest sister. She brought her 3 sons. But the uncle was not present.
At first, I thought that perhaps he would be there, and we would all act normal and peachy keen. But after learning that he wasn't coming to the party, not only did I feel relieved but I wondered what excuse they used this time.
I was already starting to tell my story to some of my cousins, and I was explicitly told not to say anything until after the party.
But there was a point...when I was driving one set of aunt/uncle/cousin/niece back to our house...my cousin said, "Oh! Where's ________?" Everyone said, "Oh..ya..where is he?" I kept driving...and I thought, "I could really just tell them exactly why he isn't here." But, I didn't want to say anything to my mom's sister or my teenage niece.
So, I said nothing.
silent again.
silent all these years.
Friday, August 14, 2009
opening up and taking the power
After the experience in Chicago, I knew I needed to talk about my experience with someone. Those PSA's taught me something, after all.
But telling my family was out of the question at the moment. The uncle had a family, 2 kids, and was married to my mother's sister. I didn't want my aunt to be unhappy, and I didn't want my cousins to suffer.
I decided to open up to my best friends first. They were shocked to hear about my experience, but they really provided me with a lot of support. It felt great to be open to someone about what happened. I felt safe, though I didn't fear that he would try anythign again.
At one point, he and I were alone once again. He said to me, "Hey, thanks for not saying anything about what happened." I said, "I'm not saying anything not because of you...but because of my family."
Interestingly, I learned that I could use the situation to my advantage. I now had something I could hold over his head. He still thought it was a good idea to tell me random things, and weirdly I felt that I could tell him about a couple things I was doing.
My parents did not like that I had a boyfriend at 13. He lived close enough that I was able to sneak away without my parents necessarily knowing. This was something I told the uncle.
One day, my parents were questioning me about this, and they knew I spoke to that uncle. He insinuated that he might tell them something, but I quickly said, "Go ahead...I know something, too." That shut him right up. When my parents asked me what it was, I innocently said something about other family gossip. I saw the uncle breathe a sign of relief, and my parents remained frustrated about me having a boyfriend.
I felt amazing. I felt this surge of power. I had the upper hand. I knew it, and so did he.
But this wasn't enough for me to justify bringing pain to my aunt and my cousins' lives.
This also wasn't enough for the uncle to act like a complete idiot. When I was in high school, the uncle would tell me about times when he would visit my mom at work to bring her lunch. It was unbelievable! What he was thinking, I'll never know. My mom and my dad talk about everything. Wouldn't my dad know this was happening? But nothing was said to me about it.
My memory is fuzzy on this one. I'm not sure if I ended up telling my dad about the uncle's "crush" on my mom, or if my dad just figured it out because of all the stupid moves the uncle was pulling.
Perhaps the truth is that I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. I knew that telling the family would open up a whole can of worms. I don't think I was ready at that point in my life to have people angry at me for that. It was enough for me to know that I carried it in my back pocket.
But telling my family was out of the question at the moment. The uncle had a family, 2 kids, and was married to my mother's sister. I didn't want my aunt to be unhappy, and I didn't want my cousins to suffer.
I decided to open up to my best friends first. They were shocked to hear about my experience, but they really provided me with a lot of support. It felt great to be open to someone about what happened. I felt safe, though I didn't fear that he would try anythign again.
At one point, he and I were alone once again. He said to me, "Hey, thanks for not saying anything about what happened." I said, "I'm not saying anything not because of you...but because of my family."
Interestingly, I learned that I could use the situation to my advantage. I now had something I could hold over his head. He still thought it was a good idea to tell me random things, and weirdly I felt that I could tell him about a couple things I was doing.
My parents did not like that I had a boyfriend at 13. He lived close enough that I was able to sneak away without my parents necessarily knowing. This was something I told the uncle.
One day, my parents were questioning me about this, and they knew I spoke to that uncle. He insinuated that he might tell them something, but I quickly said, "Go ahead...I know something, too." That shut him right up. When my parents asked me what it was, I innocently said something about other family gossip. I saw the uncle breathe a sign of relief, and my parents remained frustrated about me having a boyfriend.
I felt amazing. I felt this surge of power. I had the upper hand. I knew it, and so did he.
But this wasn't enough for me to justify bringing pain to my aunt and my cousins' lives.
This also wasn't enough for the uncle to act like a complete idiot. When I was in high school, the uncle would tell me about times when he would visit my mom at work to bring her lunch. It was unbelievable! What he was thinking, I'll never know. My mom and my dad talk about everything. Wouldn't my dad know this was happening? But nothing was said to me about it.
My memory is fuzzy on this one. I'm not sure if I ended up telling my dad about the uncle's "crush" on my mom, or if my dad just figured it out because of all the stupid moves the uncle was pulling.
Perhaps the truth is that I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. I knew that telling the family would open up a whole can of worms. I don't think I was ready at that point in my life to have people angry at me for that. It was enough for me to know that I carried it in my back pocket.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
the story
this is the truth, and nothing but the truth as I remember it...
It was probably 1989 or 1990, and I was probably 7, 8 or 9 years old. My family lived in a little bungalow behind my dad's parents and siblings.
My mom's youngest sister brought her baby and her baby daddy/the uncle from the Philippines to Los Angeles. My maternal grandmother was living with us, and my aunt wanted to be closer to her. My parents helped them move into the apartment right next door to us, with a balcony that overlooked the yard between the two houses.
One day, I was playing with one of my childhood friends. The uncle was watching over us. I don't really remember where my parents went, but they weren't home.
At some point, my friend and I went inside. At some point, the uncle asked me to lay down with him on the sofa bed. I thought nothing of it. My uncle was generally a funny guy and treated us all very well. I thought perhaps we were just hanging out. All I remember of my friend was that he was playing with some toys at our dining table.
The rest of the details are pretty blurry. I remember going under the blanket with the uncle. I remember him kissing me, on my face and neck. I remember him getting on top of me. I didn't really understand it, though I thought it was just something that adults would do with people they love. I don't remember if he exposed any skin that wasn't already exposed, but I know I wasn't naked.
At some point, I remember a sudden shuffling around and the uncle getting up. My parents car was pulling into the driveway. I went to the dining table to continue playing with my friend. I think that was my first inclination that what he did was wrong.
It was over just like that.
At some point, on some other day, my uncle pulled me aside and told me not to say anything about what happened between us, that it was just our thing.
I don't really know what my reasoning was to stay quiet. I didn't feel hurt or in pain. I thought it was somewhat harmless since he was family.
For years I stayed silent. As the years past, I I started believing that perhaps it was all a dream.
When I was 13, I started dating my first boyfriend. My family and I were attending my eldest cousin's wedding in Chicago. At some point, we were doing some shopping. The uncle and I stayed in the shoe section while my mom and some of her siblings went off to shop. Somehow, the uncle decided that this was an appropriate time to start opening up to me about all kinds of things.
He mentioned that it was weird that my cousin was getting married, since he tried to date her when she was still in the Philippines (the uncle is about 10 years younger than my aunt/my mom's youngest sister). He also told me that if he had it his way, he would have dated my mom instead of my aunt. He had a huge "crush" on my mom. I thought this was a major revelation. Why he thought it was appropriate to open up to a 13 year old - I'm not sure...but clearly, his judgment has been off for a while.
The night after the wedding, a couple of my relatives and I were chilling in the living room. My family and I were flying back to LA the next morning, but we were all still having a good time together. At some point, we knew that we needed to get to sleep. It was getting late. I decided to stay in the living room on the sofa bed. The uncle decided to stay there as well.
As the lights went down, he started chatting with me some more. He was drunk. He started asking about my boyfriend, if we had kissed already. I told him we had. He asked if he was a good kisser. I told him that I wouldn't know since he was my first boyfriend and the only guy I kissed. The uncle said, "You let me kiss you. Is he better than me?" Suddenly, my hands curled into little fists. I was exhausted, but I was suddenly wide awake. I could feel this heat overcoming me. I realized that there was someone else sleeping on another couch - they were snoring, so I knew they couldn't hear what was happening a few feet away. I growled, "If you dare touch me, I swear to god I will scream so loud the whole neighborhood will hear me." He backed off, "Okay, okay...I was just kidding." I was so scared to sleep. I didn't want him to take advantage of the situation. I think I tried to stay up as long as I could. It was probably the lightest sleep I had had at that point in my life. I remember waking up and feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.
It was then...a confirmation that what happened to me wasn't a dream. Though I thought about it occasionally, I passed it off as some random unreal thing. But after this, I knew. I knew that the uncle had molested me.
It was probably 1989 or 1990, and I was probably 7, 8 or 9 years old. My family lived in a little bungalow behind my dad's parents and siblings.
My mom's youngest sister brought her baby and her baby daddy/the uncle from the Philippines to Los Angeles. My maternal grandmother was living with us, and my aunt wanted to be closer to her. My parents helped them move into the apartment right next door to us, with a balcony that overlooked the yard between the two houses.
One day, I was playing with one of my childhood friends. The uncle was watching over us. I don't really remember where my parents went, but they weren't home.
At some point, my friend and I went inside. At some point, the uncle asked me to lay down with him on the sofa bed. I thought nothing of it. My uncle was generally a funny guy and treated us all very well. I thought perhaps we were just hanging out. All I remember of my friend was that he was playing with some toys at our dining table.
The rest of the details are pretty blurry. I remember going under the blanket with the uncle. I remember him kissing me, on my face and neck. I remember him getting on top of me. I didn't really understand it, though I thought it was just something that adults would do with people they love. I don't remember if he exposed any skin that wasn't already exposed, but I know I wasn't naked.
At some point, I remember a sudden shuffling around and the uncle getting up. My parents car was pulling into the driveway. I went to the dining table to continue playing with my friend. I think that was my first inclination that what he did was wrong.
It was over just like that.
At some point, on some other day, my uncle pulled me aside and told me not to say anything about what happened between us, that it was just our thing.
I don't really know what my reasoning was to stay quiet. I didn't feel hurt or in pain. I thought it was somewhat harmless since he was family.
For years I stayed silent. As the years past, I I started believing that perhaps it was all a dream.
When I was 13, I started dating my first boyfriend. My family and I were attending my eldest cousin's wedding in Chicago. At some point, we were doing some shopping. The uncle and I stayed in the shoe section while my mom and some of her siblings went off to shop. Somehow, the uncle decided that this was an appropriate time to start opening up to me about all kinds of things.
He mentioned that it was weird that my cousin was getting married, since he tried to date her when she was still in the Philippines (the uncle is about 10 years younger than my aunt/my mom's youngest sister). He also told me that if he had it his way, he would have dated my mom instead of my aunt. He had a huge "crush" on my mom. I thought this was a major revelation. Why he thought it was appropriate to open up to a 13 year old - I'm not sure...but clearly, his judgment has been off for a while.
The night after the wedding, a couple of my relatives and I were chilling in the living room. My family and I were flying back to LA the next morning, but we were all still having a good time together. At some point, we knew that we needed to get to sleep. It was getting late. I decided to stay in the living room on the sofa bed. The uncle decided to stay there as well.
As the lights went down, he started chatting with me some more. He was drunk. He started asking about my boyfriend, if we had kissed already. I told him we had. He asked if he was a good kisser. I told him that I wouldn't know since he was my first boyfriend and the only guy I kissed. The uncle said, "You let me kiss you. Is he better than me?" Suddenly, my hands curled into little fists. I was exhausted, but I was suddenly wide awake. I could feel this heat overcoming me. I realized that there was someone else sleeping on another couch - they were snoring, so I knew they couldn't hear what was happening a few feet away. I growled, "If you dare touch me, I swear to god I will scream so loud the whole neighborhood will hear me." He backed off, "Okay, okay...I was just kidding." I was so scared to sleep. I didn't want him to take advantage of the situation. I think I tried to stay up as long as I could. It was probably the lightest sleep I had had at that point in my life. I remember waking up and feeling as though I hadn't slept at all.
It was then...a confirmation that what happened to me wasn't a dream. Though I thought about it occasionally, I passed it off as some random unreal thing. But after this, I knew. I knew that the uncle had molested me.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Public Service Announcement
Remember those Public Service Announcements in the 80's and 90's? Some are hilarious to look back on now, but some left an impression on this little girl.
One in particular is quite memorable. A little girl is coming home from school, and her neighbor calls to her and invites her into his home. He sits her up on his kitchen counter, and proceeds to start unbuttoning her shirt. Freeze frame. What should she do?
Play. She pushes his hands away, and says, "NO! (or something to that effect)" She hops off the kitchen counter and runs off. The moral of the story: Don't go into your neighbors house by yourself because he could be a sex offender.
Often, people assume that a stranger will be the one to sexually attack someone. More often than not, however, it's someone the survivor and their family knows. Sometimes, it's someone so close that you can't easily get rid of them without setting a whole process into motion.
When I was younger and starting to look for jobs, my parents were very much against me trying to babysit strangers' children. You never know what kind of person they could be, my parents warned. At first it angered me. How else are you supposed to get any sort of experience if you don't go outside the protected family space? But I know that they just wanted to be careful. I know they just wanted to make sure I was safe. I don't blame them, nor am I angry at them. We all make assumptions, and when it's something or someone unknown we make the most assumptions.
Unfortunately, in my case, the wrong assumptions were made. No one is to blame except for the perpetrator, though - especially when they've managed to gain everyone's trust.
So, my PSA would go something like this:
Don't stop trusting, don't live in fear...but educate yourselves on the facts. More often than not, a sexual assault happens between people who know each other. That's the fact. Don't fear. Protect yourself with knowledge.
One in particular is quite memorable. A little girl is coming home from school, and her neighbor calls to her and invites her into his home. He sits her up on his kitchen counter, and proceeds to start unbuttoning her shirt. Freeze frame. What should she do?
Play. She pushes his hands away, and says, "NO! (or something to that effect)" She hops off the kitchen counter and runs off. The moral of the story: Don't go into your neighbors house by yourself because he could be a sex offender.
Often, people assume that a stranger will be the one to sexually attack someone. More often than not, however, it's someone the survivor and their family knows. Sometimes, it's someone so close that you can't easily get rid of them without setting a whole process into motion.
When I was younger and starting to look for jobs, my parents were very much against me trying to babysit strangers' children. You never know what kind of person they could be, my parents warned. At first it angered me. How else are you supposed to get any sort of experience if you don't go outside the protected family space? But I know that they just wanted to be careful. I know they just wanted to make sure I was safe. I don't blame them, nor am I angry at them. We all make assumptions, and when it's something or someone unknown we make the most assumptions.
Unfortunately, in my case, the wrong assumptions were made. No one is to blame except for the perpetrator, though - especially when they've managed to gain everyone's trust.
So, my PSA would go something like this:
Don't stop trusting, don't live in fear...but educate yourselves on the facts. More often than not, a sexual assault happens between people who know each other. That's the fact. Don't fear. Protect yourself with knowledge.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
a very long journey
I struggled with whether or not to do this.
I'm not trying to be selfish.
I'm not trying to be a martyr.
I'm not trying to be a hero.
I just want to be honest.
I want to acknowledge what happened.
I want to move on, not by forgetting but by talking about it.
As I and my friends and family members are growing up, having relationships and families of our own, I feel like it's up to us to be able to carry this knowledge to keep each other safe. And even if we can't always prevent bad things from happening, I don't want there to be another person who will feel like they have to be silent just to protect themselves and others they love.
It's been a long journey. A very long journey.
It's in no way over.
I'm just barely breaking the surface.
I'm not trying to be selfish.
I'm not trying to be a martyr.
I'm not trying to be a hero.
I just want to be honest.
I want to acknowledge what happened.
I want to move on, not by forgetting but by talking about it.
As I and my friends and family members are growing up, having relationships and families of our own, I feel like it's up to us to be able to carry this knowledge to keep each other safe. And even if we can't always prevent bad things from happening, I don't want there to be another person who will feel like they have to be silent just to protect themselves and others they love.
It's been a long journey. A very long journey.
It's in no way over.
I'm just barely breaking the surface.
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