Apparently, the 2 older sons of the uncle know. They've known.
I haven't been able to connect with them about how they know and how they feel.
All I know is that there isn't any anger.
It feels like a major relief to know that they know.
A major relief. A huge weight off my shoulders.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
An Honest Letter to My Cousins
Dear Cousins,
The truth is, I'm pretty scared shitless.
But probably not for the reasons you'd think.
The truth is, I don't want anyone else to go through what I've gone through.
The truth is, I don't know how else to bridge this small gap of holding it all in and being completely open to the world.
The truth is, I don't want to hurt anyone with my truths.
The truth is, I'm scared that I have to.
I'm sorry I am not brave enough to face you, face to face.
But please know that I am here, I'm willing to talk and answer questions.
I'm willing to be your Ate.
~Ate C
The truth is, I'm pretty scared shitless.
But probably not for the reasons you'd think.
The truth is, I don't want anyone else to go through what I've gone through.
The truth is, I don't know how else to bridge this small gap of holding it all in and being completely open to the world.
The truth is, I don't want to hurt anyone with my truths.
The truth is, I'm scared that I have to.
I'm sorry I am not brave enough to face you, face to face.
But please know that I am here, I'm willing to talk and answer questions.
I'm willing to be your Ate.
~Ate C
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Distance
There are days when I'm horribly aware that part of the reason I don't move home sooner is because I believe it gives my familiy some relief. A break from really difficult emotions. A respite from facing the truth.
Though, in the scheme of things, wouldn't it be better to just rip off the bandaid?
Published with Blogger-droid
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Consultations
After discussing my aunt's ideas with my therapist, I realized that I actually have a friend who works with the Department of Children and Family Services - with offices that happen to be a block away from my parent's house.
I have a friend who works there. Interestingly, she was one of the first people I had told about the uncle.
I asked her about what would actually happen if I were to report my situation to DCFS.
She told me that because there is still a minor living within the household, that a full investigation would occur that would include an interview with the child. She also told me that it wouldn't necessarily yield any sort of wanted results. It still wouldn't mean that the uncle would be required to register as a sex offender.
I still feel like I should be the one my relatives hear from first. Well, I or one of my other relatives who know.
It's really been difficult to explain to others how difficult it is to be the only one responsible for this. I know I can't change it or even expect that others will help me carry some of the burden.
So then, why am I not allowed to do this the way I want to do it? I know what's "right." But why can't I do what I know is right the way and the pace that I want to do it?
I have a friend who works there. Interestingly, she was one of the first people I had told about the uncle.
I asked her about what would actually happen if I were to report my situation to DCFS.
She told me that because there is still a minor living within the household, that a full investigation would occur that would include an interview with the child. She also told me that it wouldn't necessarily yield any sort of wanted results. It still wouldn't mean that the uncle would be required to register as a sex offender.
I still feel like I should be the one my relatives hear from first. Well, I or one of my other relatives who know.
It's really been difficult to explain to others how difficult it is to be the only one responsible for this. I know I can't change it or even expect that others will help me carry some of the burden.
So then, why am I not allowed to do this the way I want to do it? I know what's "right." But why can't I do what I know is right the way and the pace that I want to do it?
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Biding My Time
Sometimes...
It feels like everyone is pushing me to make a move...
It's a lot of responsibility, you know.
Not only do I have to validate how everyone is feeling about MY situation, but I also have the responsibility of messing up everyone else's life.
Every step I take, someone else's life will be in upheaval.
But I'm not supposed to wait, I'm not supposed to think about how my actions will affect my younger cousins' lives. I'm just supposed to do it, and let them deal with it.
And in some people's eyes, it's all to make sure the uncle gets what he deserves.
But that's not what it is for me. It's still about protecting the future.
But I can't protect the future and expect that I won't tear things down at the same time.
I don't want to validate anyone else's issues anymore.
Let me just figure this out...I'll make my move in due time.
It feels like everyone is pushing me to make a move...
It's a lot of responsibility, you know.
Not only do I have to validate how everyone is feeling about MY situation, but I also have the responsibility of messing up everyone else's life.
Every step I take, someone else's life will be in upheaval.
But I'm not supposed to wait, I'm not supposed to think about how my actions will affect my younger cousins' lives. I'm just supposed to do it, and let them deal with it.
And in some people's eyes, it's all to make sure the uncle gets what he deserves.
But that's not what it is for me. It's still about protecting the future.
But I can't protect the future and expect that I won't tear things down at the same time.
I don't want to validate anyone else's issues anymore.
Let me just figure this out...I'll make my move in due time.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Connecting with the World
For those who are stopping by from my One World One Heart Giveaway:
Thank you for joining me on this journey!
I appreciate all the kind thoughts and words you've all shared with me.
I do want to reiterate that the purpose of this blog and the giveaway isn't for me to become martyred in any way. I'm just another story, all too similar to many other stories. Originally, the purpose of this blog was to have a place for my family to learn about any details. But as the story is still unfolding, it's also a place for me to drop my experiences, as they are often very heavy.
But, seriously. Thank you for taking the time to read my tale.
Thank you for joining me on this journey!
I appreciate all the kind thoughts and words you've all shared with me.
I do want to reiterate that the purpose of this blog and the giveaway isn't for me to become martyred in any way. I'm just another story, all too similar to many other stories. Originally, the purpose of this blog was to have a place for my family to learn about any details. But as the story is still unfolding, it's also a place for me to drop my experiences, as they are often very heavy.
But, seriously. Thank you for taking the time to read my tale.
Monday, February 1, 2010
New Year Old Feelings
Well, 2010 is not going to make it easier. Though, I'm determined to put everything out on the table.
It seems that my dad's eldest sister is really having a difficult time with how the situation is playing out. While she says she's willing to follow my lead, I feel very pressured to rush the process.
During the holidays, I was really able to explain where I was coming from, why I felt that I couldn't just go and tell everyone at every family gathering. From the very beginning, while I'm an advocate of transparency, I'm also an advocate of the idea that my cousins and I would ultimately decide how future incidents would be handled.
But, it seems that my aunt was having a lot of difficulty separating her baggage with my situation. At one point, we had a long conversation, mostly consisting of her bringing up her past situations and really shedding light into why she felt so angry that my parents and I hadn't acted much quicker.
She brought up that there would not be any way to know whether or not the uncle has touched anyone else or whether he will again - but that he should be monitored. She talked about ethics and morals, and how she could not live with it if it was found that another person was harmed as we sat here doing nothing.
She talked about 2 options - taking it to court or reporting it to the Department of Children and Family Services. I told her that I felt extremely uncomfortable with the court process, especially since I don't want anything from him. I told her that while I felt an ethical obligation to my family and other children, I would rather be the first person my family hears from, rather than people hearing from some government agency or complete stranger.
But I told her that I would ask my therapist about it, as I felt that I couldn't make a decision at that moment.
For some reason, my aunt sounded disappointed by my decision, though I'm sure she had to realize that it was ultimately my choice to do anything about it.
Overall, that was a very exhausting conversation. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically, my eyeballs were too tired.
I felt out of it for a whole week.
It seems that my dad's eldest sister is really having a difficult time with how the situation is playing out. While she says she's willing to follow my lead, I feel very pressured to rush the process.
During the holidays, I was really able to explain where I was coming from, why I felt that I couldn't just go and tell everyone at every family gathering. From the very beginning, while I'm an advocate of transparency, I'm also an advocate of the idea that my cousins and I would ultimately decide how future incidents would be handled.
But, it seems that my aunt was having a lot of difficulty separating her baggage with my situation. At one point, we had a long conversation, mostly consisting of her bringing up her past situations and really shedding light into why she felt so angry that my parents and I hadn't acted much quicker.
She brought up that there would not be any way to know whether or not the uncle has touched anyone else or whether he will again - but that he should be monitored. She talked about ethics and morals, and how she could not live with it if it was found that another person was harmed as we sat here doing nothing.
She talked about 2 options - taking it to court or reporting it to the Department of Children and Family Services. I told her that I felt extremely uncomfortable with the court process, especially since I don't want anything from him. I told her that while I felt an ethical obligation to my family and other children, I would rather be the first person my family hears from, rather than people hearing from some government agency or complete stranger.
But I told her that I would ask my therapist about it, as I felt that I couldn't make a decision at that moment.
For some reason, my aunt sounded disappointed by my decision, though I'm sure she had to realize that it was ultimately my choice to do anything about it.
Overall, that was a very exhausting conversation. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically, my eyeballs were too tired.
I felt out of it for a whole week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)