Holidays are always difficult.
In the past couple of years, it's been difficult to not have a complete holiday like we used to. Now it's about making up stories and excuses for why the uncle isn't coming.
The worst part is that my cousins/his sons don't know what's changed so much. They see that their dad wants to spend more time with his side more. But they don't understand why the change is happening.
The youngest of the brothers once asked, "Why don't we have big parties at your house anymore? Are we going to do it again soon?"
How do we explain that to this 11 year old?
When will the holidays cheery again?
When we have relatives visit, they ask us, "Where is that family? Why aren't they here now?"
While I do believe that the truth will really free us, when will I feel free?
Friday, December 25, 2009
It's up to us...
At some point, I realized that while I do feel that my mom and dad's siblings should know, that it was more important for my cousins to know.
Right before December 2007, I learned that some of my cousins did know, only because the uncle had tried to suggest a relationship with one of them.
It felt great to have others that I could depend on, as I knew it would be difficult to put that burden solely on my immediate family.
One of my cousins moved to LA from Chicago, and he ended up married to one of the uncles younger sisters. They soon had a son. I knew I had to talk to my cousin.
In the Summer of 2009, I started the gears going. My cousins that already knew helped get some of the pieces into play.
One night, I called my cousin. The conversation was very fulfilling. Though I was initially scared that he would start getting angry and act out, he was relatively calm and mainly in disbelief. But we also talked about his son, his life.
Two days later, my cousin told me that he called the uncle the next day and told him that I spoke with him. He also told him that he should be responsible for telling his sister, my cousin's wife. So, the uncle and my aunt came over that night and talked to them.
That same day, I also told my cousin's sister, the eldest of my cousins. Back in 1993, when we went to Chicago, she was the cousin who was getting married. Her reaction was the reaction I expected from her brother. It felt great to talk to her and open up about it. It felt great to know that more of us were aware.
*********************
I tried to make it perfectly clear that I wasn't telling people to make them angry, but that that was an unfortunately reaction to the truth. With my cousins and I getting older, starting families and having kids, I feel like we need to be responsible about the truth. We are a large family, and the unfortunately reality is that there is a high probability of it happening again.
What matters isn't what happened.
What matters is how are we as a family going to deal with it when it happens again.
Right before December 2007, I learned that some of my cousins did know, only because the uncle had tried to suggest a relationship with one of them.
It felt great to have others that I could depend on, as I knew it would be difficult to put that burden solely on my immediate family.
One of my cousins moved to LA from Chicago, and he ended up married to one of the uncles younger sisters. They soon had a son. I knew I had to talk to my cousin.
In the Summer of 2009, I started the gears going. My cousins that already knew helped get some of the pieces into play.
One night, I called my cousin. The conversation was very fulfilling. Though I was initially scared that he would start getting angry and act out, he was relatively calm and mainly in disbelief. But we also talked about his son, his life.
Two days later, my cousin told me that he called the uncle the next day and told him that I spoke with him. He also told him that he should be responsible for telling his sister, my cousin's wife. So, the uncle and my aunt came over that night and talked to them.
That same day, I also told my cousin's sister, the eldest of my cousins. Back in 1993, when we went to Chicago, she was the cousin who was getting married. Her reaction was the reaction I expected from her brother. It felt great to talk to her and open up about it. It felt great to know that more of us were aware.
*********************
I tried to make it perfectly clear that I wasn't telling people to make them angry, but that that was an unfortunately reaction to the truth. With my cousins and I getting older, starting families and having kids, I feel like we need to be responsible about the truth. We are a large family, and the unfortunately reality is that there is a high probability of it happening again.
What matters isn't what happened.
What matters is how are we as a family going to deal with it when it happens again.
My Dad's Side
At the beginning of 2009, my dad explained the situation to his relatives.
Though his brother already knew about it (because he is married to my mom's youngest brother's sister-in-law), he proceeded to tell all his sisters.
I soon was having conversations with my dad's eldest sister on the phone. A lot of the time, it felt that she was just trying to understand what happened. She even asked me if I wanted to try to press charges - not something that I was necessarily thinking of at all.
But, I appreciated what she and my other aunt's were going through.
It felt great to finally have that whole side of my family know. Only time will tell how they will be able to deal with it, but so far it all feels better.
Though his brother already knew about it (because he is married to my mom's youngest brother's sister-in-law), he proceeded to tell all his sisters.
I soon was having conversations with my dad's eldest sister on the phone. A lot of the time, it felt that she was just trying to understand what happened. She even asked me if I wanted to try to press charges - not something that I was necessarily thinking of at all.
But, I appreciated what she and my other aunt's were going through.
It felt great to finally have that whole side of my family know. Only time will tell how they will be able to deal with it, but so far it all feels better.
My Tita
I love my Tita.
As she is my mom's youngest sister and sibling, of course I love her.
This woman helped take care of me when I was a baby, a young child. I still have many fond memories of her.
I knew her and my mom would get into arguments once in a while as sisters do. It often felt that she was sometimes jealous of my mother, or maybe just that she wanted to be better than her. And after I learned about how the uncle really felt about their union, I just felt really sad for her.
After December 2007, I started receiving texts from her. Most of them were about forgiveness, and all of them were based in religious dogma.
It hurt to know that she felt that I needed to forgive her husband, and that she would try to force that stuff on me. I realized that perhaps she needed me to forgive him so that she could forgive him, so that she could "move on" and continue living her happy life.
If I remember correctly, I told her to please stop sending me those messages, and the messages stopped.
At some point, after almost two years of not hearing any reactions from my cousins, I realized that she was not planning to tell her sons anything. She did not want them to hate their dad.
When I started opening up to my cousins, I got wind that she was angry at my efforts. Why couldn't I just let it be? Was I purposefully trying to make her sons resent their father?
She locked me out of her Facebook. When I did see her, it was very awkward and brief - even at big family gatherings.
Still, I'm hurt by her disapproval.
Still, I feel sad and sorry about her reactions.
Still, I love my Tita.
As she is my mom's youngest sister and sibling, of course I love her.
This woman helped take care of me when I was a baby, a young child. I still have many fond memories of her.
I knew her and my mom would get into arguments once in a while as sisters do. It often felt that she was sometimes jealous of my mother, or maybe just that she wanted to be better than her. And after I learned about how the uncle really felt about their union, I just felt really sad for her.
After December 2007, I started receiving texts from her. Most of them were about forgiveness, and all of them were based in religious dogma.
It hurt to know that she felt that I needed to forgive her husband, and that she would try to force that stuff on me. I realized that perhaps she needed me to forgive him so that she could forgive him, so that she could "move on" and continue living her happy life.
If I remember correctly, I told her to please stop sending me those messages, and the messages stopped.
At some point, after almost two years of not hearing any reactions from my cousins, I realized that she was not planning to tell her sons anything. She did not want them to hate their dad.
When I started opening up to my cousins, I got wind that she was angry at my efforts. Why couldn't I just let it be? Was I purposefully trying to make her sons resent their father?
She locked me out of her Facebook. When I did see her, it was very awkward and brief - even at big family gatherings.
Still, I'm hurt by her disapproval.
Still, I feel sad and sorry about her reactions.
Still, I love my Tita.
December 2007
This was the month and year I confronted the uncle, with my parents and some of my mom's siblings present. Below you will find my notes and the letter I read out loud to the family.
********************************
Date: December 29th, 2007
Time: 12:30pm
Location: My mom's older sister's apartment
Key Players: My parents, Me, My aunt, the uncle
Witnesses: My mom's sister, my mom's brother and his wife
Why now?:
At this point in my life, I feel ready to take this step.
Getting text messages from the both of you is exactly what I don't want in the new year. I don't want to hear about my mom and dad getting messages, I don't want to get messages, and I don't want to be told that I have to forgive anybody. I've felt forced into this, and but I'm also tired of this.
My Stand:
I'm sure you think that this meeting is a chance to help conscience, but I can tell you right away that I don't plan on forgiving you. I personally don't think I could ever forgive you. What happened should never happen to anyone.
Also, as a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. And I think the family has a right to know. So, after this is all said and done, we're planning to tell the rest of the family. With new babies coming into this family, they all have the right to know about what happened. Just like when people are told that a sex offender moves into their neighborhood. Since you're not a registered sex offender, the best I can do is alert the people you are closest to.
You broke everyone's trust by pretending to be a nice person, but you did a terrible thing.
I feel like my aunt/your wife has the right to know what we are planning to do. I also wanted to tell her that I still consider her part of my family, and that I still very much care about your 3 sons. I don't know how they will feel when they find out, but I'm expecting that they'll be mad at me. That's ok. When they're ready to talk to me, I'll be waiting.
If Nanay and Tatay have something to say, they can.
(Tatay plans to tell him that he's no one in our lives..that he's never allowed in our house again, and that he doesn't want to be invited to any party that they're at. I know that he's having a hard time separating my uncle with the rest of his family...which I'm having trouble with...only because I don't think that's ok....but that's the process he's going thru, I know.....I know.......)
*******************************
This was a very difficult event. Though I was prepping for this in therapy, it was hard for me to imagine what would really happen.
There were a lot of tears. A lot of apologies.
He explained how horrible he felt, how he knows he can't take anything back, how he hopes that I will eventually forgive him.
My aunt/his wife apologized profusely. She even said that she would be responsible for telling her sons.
My other aunts and uncle stated that they felt horribly betrayed. But that they would stick with my aunt's decision to stay with him. That he is family because he's married to their sister and father to their nephews. But that trust would be a different issue.
My mom tearfully noted how much she trusted him, and how responsible she felt. And as I suspected, my dad was able to say exactly how he felt.
I explained that I wasn't angry, but I can't just ignore that this had happened and neither should he. I don't feel the need to forgive him, because what he did was unforgivable.
It was such a purging exercise. It felt so good to know that things were finally out in the open. At least...among the people present.
But that was just another part...not nearly the end.
********************************
Date: December 29th, 2007
Time: 12:30pm
Location: My mom's older sister's apartment
Key Players: My parents, Me, My aunt, the uncle
Witnesses: My mom's sister, my mom's brother and his wife
Why now?:
At this point in my life, I feel ready to take this step.
Getting text messages from the both of you is exactly what I don't want in the new year. I don't want to hear about my mom and dad getting messages, I don't want to get messages, and I don't want to be told that I have to forgive anybody. I've felt forced into this, and but I'm also tired of this.
My Stand:
I'm sure you think that this meeting is a chance to help conscience, but I can tell you right away that I don't plan on forgiving you. I personally don't think I could ever forgive you. What happened should never happen to anyone.
Also, as a social worker, I am a mandated reporter. And I think the family has a right to know. So, after this is all said and done, we're planning to tell the rest of the family. With new babies coming into this family, they all have the right to know about what happened. Just like when people are told that a sex offender moves into their neighborhood. Since you're not a registered sex offender, the best I can do is alert the people you are closest to.
You broke everyone's trust by pretending to be a nice person, but you did a terrible thing.
I feel like my aunt/your wife has the right to know what we are planning to do. I also wanted to tell her that I still consider her part of my family, and that I still very much care about your 3 sons. I don't know how they will feel when they find out, but I'm expecting that they'll be mad at me. That's ok. When they're ready to talk to me, I'll be waiting.
If Nanay and Tatay have something to say, they can.
(Tatay plans to tell him that he's no one in our lives..that he's never allowed in our house again, and that he doesn't want to be invited to any party that they're at. I know that he's having a hard time separating my uncle with the rest of his family...which I'm having trouble with...only because I don't think that's ok....but that's the process he's going thru, I know.....I know.......)
*******************************
This was a very difficult event. Though I was prepping for this in therapy, it was hard for me to imagine what would really happen.
There were a lot of tears. A lot of apologies.
He explained how horrible he felt, how he knows he can't take anything back, how he hopes that I will eventually forgive him.
My aunt/his wife apologized profusely. She even said that she would be responsible for telling her sons.
My other aunts and uncle stated that they felt horribly betrayed. But that they would stick with my aunt's decision to stay with him. That he is family because he's married to their sister and father to their nephews. But that trust would be a different issue.
My mom tearfully noted how much she trusted him, and how responsible she felt. And as I suspected, my dad was able to say exactly how he felt.
I explained that I wasn't angry, but I can't just ignore that this had happened and neither should he. I don't feel the need to forgive him, because what he did was unforgivable.
It was such a purging exercise. It felt so good to know that things were finally out in the open. At least...among the people present.
But that was just another part...not nearly the end.
"they know...."
After my parents opened up to my mom's younger brother, his wife, her sister, and my dad's brother (who's married to the sister - it's complicated, I know! We're a big family, so bear with me...did you get that? okay...), the uncle started noticing that people were treating him differently.
So, this is the version of the story that I've been told.
One day, he went to my mom's brother's in-laws and asked them why they've been acting strange around him. They confessed that they were told about what happened with me. He proceeded to then tell them that he figured that was the case, and told him his side of the story.
He was trying to work things through. He was going to therapy. He was planning to tell his wife, my aunt.
As far as I know, they told him that they had to be really careful around him.
But as is the Catholic way, forgive and forget. To this day, they still interact with him. They still leave kids in his presence. They're still hoping praying wishing that he has fixed himself.
So, this is the version of the story that I've been told.
One day, he went to my mom's brother's in-laws and asked them why they've been acting strange around him. They confessed that they were told about what happened with me. He proceeded to then tell them that he figured that was the case, and told him his side of the story.
He was trying to work things through. He was going to therapy. He was planning to tell his wife, my aunt.
As far as I know, they told him that they had to be really careful around him.
But as is the Catholic way, forgive and forget. To this day, they still interact with him. They still leave kids in his presence. They're still hoping praying wishing that he has fixed himself.
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