It's been 3 years since I last posted.
A lot has changed. For the better.
I quit the day job at the after school because it was just another mismanaged non-profit, and they hired a completely incompetent Director with a Napoleonic complex.
I started working full time with Athena's as their Connection Coordinator, helping new distributors navigate their new business.
I got engaged to a man who means the universe to me, and I've never felt so lucky to have a person like him on my side.
I am trying to focus more on the sexuality field, and I've done quite a bit of different activities to further my career, including presenting at conferences.
As another BARCC Walk for Change nears (Sunday, April 12th), I want to acknowledge several things.
It's been amazing to be part of the Survivor Speakers Bureau. I've met some amazing people, and every time we meet, it's a reminder of the strength in our stories and our voices. We're all at different parts of our healing, and it's simply beautiful.
I still have a lot of trouble asking for help. I am definitely of the mind frame of 1. Not bothering people and 2. Wanting to have control over a situation. It's still a work in progress, and will probably be for the rest of my life....and that's okay.
This week has been a week of re-traumatization. In 2013, the Boston Marathon Bombing occurred. Just yesterday (April 8th), the accused bomber was found guilty of all charges. On the day that the entire city was on lock down, I found myself glued to the news. I wanted to know everything that was going on, even if it was nothing at all. At one point, I fell asleep on the couch because I was just so tired. My therapist pointed out that a lot of people end up doing the same when they're in a somewhat traumatic situation. It's a way for the brain to cope with the traumatic event. When they started announcing the verdict, I quickly went to a live-stream of the local news. I had all the sounds of it playing in my ear buds. At night time, I watched the news even though it was all the same as earlier.
One of the survivors spoke to the media about how she felt that she had to be present in the court. They asked her, "Why did you think you needed to be there?" She said that she needed to be there for her, as part of her healing. She wanted to "see it through."
I get that. I totally get that.
For me, Knowledge is Power.
Knowing what's about to happen, what can happen, and what I can do about it is very important. It's my way of quietly controlling a situation. Well, at least, it's a way of quietly controlling myself and my immediate surroundings in a situation.
Last night, however, I was reminded that sometimes trauma will sneak up on you when you least expect it.
My partner and I were starting to be intimate, and suddenly I watched memories of the incident with my uncle flash behind my eyelids as though I was back in that place. I tried to fight them, I tried to remind myself that I had come so far from that. But I couldn't get past it back to being sexual.
I'm a sexuality educator. I talk about sex all the time. I'm very comfortable with sex.
But this wasn't about sex. It was about trauma. Sadly, trauma linked to sex.
So, while I am quite knowledgeable about sex and sexuality, trauma doesn't give a fuck.
I am thankful that I felt in tune with myself enough to know that I couldn't continue being intimate with him in that way. I am thankful that I felt comfortable enough with him to know that he would understand the second I uttered the word "trigger." I am thankful to know that we could still be intimate in other ways that didn't involve sex.
I'm also thankful to recognize when I need to reach out to my therapist, and very thankful that my next appointment is coming up next week.
The "knowing" is an interesting part of being a survivor. I imagine that some prefer not to know things because they know it will trigger them, while others want to know to stop the trigger dead in its tracks. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it, as long as it's not directly harming the person or another being.
For now, I will acknowledge the knowledge that I carry with me. Hopefully next time, I can acknowledge the trigger and know that, no matter how I deal with it, it doesn't make me less of a survivor, less of a sexuality professional, or less powerful.
A lot has changed. For the better.
I quit the day job at the after school because it was just another mismanaged non-profit, and they hired a completely incompetent Director with a Napoleonic complex.
I started working full time with Athena's as their Connection Coordinator, helping new distributors navigate their new business.
I got engaged to a man who means the universe to me, and I've never felt so lucky to have a person like him on my side.
I am trying to focus more on the sexuality field, and I've done quite a bit of different activities to further my career, including presenting at conferences.
As another BARCC Walk for Change nears (Sunday, April 12th), I want to acknowledge several things.
It's been amazing to be part of the Survivor Speakers Bureau. I've met some amazing people, and every time we meet, it's a reminder of the strength in our stories and our voices. We're all at different parts of our healing, and it's simply beautiful.
I still have a lot of trouble asking for help. I am definitely of the mind frame of 1. Not bothering people and 2. Wanting to have control over a situation. It's still a work in progress, and will probably be for the rest of my life....and that's okay.
This week has been a week of re-traumatization. In 2013, the Boston Marathon Bombing occurred. Just yesterday (April 8th), the accused bomber was found guilty of all charges. On the day that the entire city was on lock down, I found myself glued to the news. I wanted to know everything that was going on, even if it was nothing at all. At one point, I fell asleep on the couch because I was just so tired. My therapist pointed out that a lot of people end up doing the same when they're in a somewhat traumatic situation. It's a way for the brain to cope with the traumatic event. When they started announcing the verdict, I quickly went to a live-stream of the local news. I had all the sounds of it playing in my ear buds. At night time, I watched the news even though it was all the same as earlier.
One of the survivors spoke to the media about how she felt that she had to be present in the court. They asked her, "Why did you think you needed to be there?" She said that she needed to be there for her, as part of her healing. She wanted to "see it through."
I get that. I totally get that.
For me, Knowledge is Power.
Knowing what's about to happen, what can happen, and what I can do about it is very important. It's my way of quietly controlling a situation. Well, at least, it's a way of quietly controlling myself and my immediate surroundings in a situation.
Last night, however, I was reminded that sometimes trauma will sneak up on you when you least expect it.
My partner and I were starting to be intimate, and suddenly I watched memories of the incident with my uncle flash behind my eyelids as though I was back in that place. I tried to fight them, I tried to remind myself that I had come so far from that. But I couldn't get past it back to being sexual.
I'm a sexuality educator. I talk about sex all the time. I'm very comfortable with sex.
But this wasn't about sex. It was about trauma. Sadly, trauma linked to sex.
So, while I am quite knowledgeable about sex and sexuality, trauma doesn't give a fuck.
I am thankful that I felt in tune with myself enough to know that I couldn't continue being intimate with him in that way. I am thankful that I felt comfortable enough with him to know that he would understand the second I uttered the word "trigger." I am thankful to know that we could still be intimate in other ways that didn't involve sex.
I'm also thankful to recognize when I need to reach out to my therapist, and very thankful that my next appointment is coming up next week.
The "knowing" is an interesting part of being a survivor. I imagine that some prefer not to know things because they know it will trigger them, while others want to know to stop the trigger dead in its tracks. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to do it, as long as it's not directly harming the person or another being.
For now, I will acknowledge the knowledge that I carry with me. Hopefully next time, I can acknowledge the trigger and know that, no matter how I deal with it, it doesn't make me less of a survivor, less of a sexuality professional, or less powerful.
